*DISCLAIMER* I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT GETTING TO MORE STORIES RECENTLY. I HAVE BEEN JUGGLING A TON OF THINGS IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.

THE FOLLOWING STORY IS FROM A CLOSE COLLEAGUE WHO HAS BEEN WITH MY CURRENT AGENCY FOR A SHORT TIME BUT HAVE KNOWN HER FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS. cOURTNEY, THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY:

EVERY DISPATCHER EVENTUALLY LEARNS AN IMPORTANT LESSON:

NEVER ASSUME THE PATIENT EXISTS.

IT WAS A WARM AFTERNOON SOMEWHERE UNDER THE NEW MEXICO SUN. THE KIND OF DAY WHERE TUMBLEWEEDS ARE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, OFFICERS ARE RUNNING TRAFFIC, AND DISPATCHERS ARE JUGGLING EVERYTHING FROM BARKING DOGS TO SUSPICIOUS TUMBLEWEED REPORTS.

THEN THE 911 LINE LIT UP.

THE CALLER WAS ABSOLUTELY FRANTIC.

“911, WHERE IS YOUR EMERGENCY?”

“MY WIFE ISN’T BREATHING!”

THE DISPATCHER IMMEDIATELY SWITCHED INTO EMERGENCY MODE.

“OKAY SIR, TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING.”

“WE WERE DRIVING AND SHE STOPPED BREATHING! OH MY GOD, SHE’S NOT BREATHING!”

THE PANIC SOUNDED REAL.

THE FEAR SOUNDED REAL.

THE DESPERATION SOUNDED REAL.

THE DISPATCHER STARTED TYPING.

“WHERE ARE YOU NOW?”

“I PULLED INTO A PARKING LOT!”

“WHAT’S THE ADDRESS?”

“I DON’T KNOW! I JUST STOPPED AS FAST AS I COULD!”

MEDICAL WAS DISPATCHED.

LAW ENFORCEMENT WAS DISPATCHED.

THE DISPATCHER CONTINUED GATHERING INFORMATION.

“HOW OLD IS YOUR WIFE?”

“THIRTY-SOMETHING!”

“IS SHE CONSCIOUS?”

“NO!”

“IS SHE BREATHING?”

“NO!”

EVERYTHING ABOUT THE CALL SOUNDED LEGITIMATE.

NOTHING SOUNDED SUSPICIOUS.

NOTHING SOUNDED LIKE A PRANK.

NOTHING PREPARED ANYONE FOR WHAT WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

THE DISPATCHER MOVED INTO CPR INSTRUCTIONS.

“SIR, I NEED YOU TO GET HER ONTO A FLAT SURFACE.”

“OKAY! DONE!”

THE DISPATCHER COULD HEAR MOVEMENT.

CAR DOORS.

HEAVY BREATHING.

FOOTSTEPS.

EVERYTHING SOUNDED EXACTLY LIKE SOMEONE MOVING A PATIENT INTO POSITION.

“PLACE THE HEEL OF YOUR HAND IN THE CENTER OF HER CHEST.”

“OKAY!”

“PUSH HARD AND FAST.”

IMMEDIATELY THE CALLER BEGAN COUNTING.

“ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!”

THE DISPATCHER NODDED.

PERFECT.

THE CALLER WAS ENGAGED.

FOCUSED.

DETERMINED.

HE WAS FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS BETTER THAN HALF THE CPR TRAINING VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET.

MINUTES PASSED.

RESPONDERS RACED TOWARD THE SCENE.

THE CALLER NEVER STOPPED.

“TWENTY-SEVEN! TWENTY-EIGHT!”

“EXCELLENT JOB, SIR. KEEP GOING.”

“THIRTY-FIVE! THIRTY-SIX!”

THE DISPATCHER DOCUMENTED:

📻 CALLER ACTIVELY PERFORMING CPR.

THE CALLER SOUNDED EXHAUSTED.

AT ONE POINT HE YELLED:

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!”

EVERYONE LISTENING BELIEVED A WOMAN WAS IN CARDIAC ARREST.

THEN OFFICER MARTINEZ ARRIVED.

THE PARKING LOT WAS MOSTLY EMPTY.

NO PATIENT.

NO CROWD.

NO BYSTANDERS.

NO OBVIOUS EMERGENCY.

THEN HE SAW HIM.

A MAN.

KNEELING.

SWEATING.

COUNTING COMPRESSIONS.

WORKING FURIOUSLY.

OFFICER MARTINEZ IMMEDIATELY FELT RELIEF.

THERE’S OUR PATIENT.

THEN HE LOOKED CLOSER.

AND THE RELIEF VANISHED FASTER THAN GREEN CHILE AT A DEPARTMENT POTLUCK.

THE CALLER WASN’T PERFORMING CPR ON A PERSON.

HE WASN’T KNEELING BESIDE A VICTIM.

HE WASN’T HELPING HIS WIFE.

HE WAS PERFORMING TEXTBOOK CHEST COMPRESSIONS…

…ON A PARKING LOT.

JUST ASPHALT.

PURE NEW MEXICO PAVEMENT.

NOTHING ELSE.

NO WOMAN.

NO VICTIM.

NO WIFE.

JUST ONE MAN HEROICALLY ATTEMPTING TO RESUSCITATE PLANET EARTH.

OFFICER MARTINEZ STOPPED WALKING.

FOR SEVERAL SECONDS HE SIMPLY WATCHED.

“NINETY-THREE! NINETY-FOUR!”

THE CALLER CONTINUED.

THE PARKING LOT REMAINED CRITICALLY ASPHALT.

OFFICER MARTINEZ SLOWLY PICKED UP HIS RADIO.

“DISPATCH…”

“GO AHEAD.”

“I’VE LOCATED THE CALLER.”

“WHAT’S THE PATIENT’S STATUS?”

LONG PAUSE.

THE KIND OF PAUSE EVERY DISPATCHER IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES.

THE PAUSE THAT SAYS:

SOMETHING HAS GONE COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS.

FINALLY THE OFFICER REPLIED.

“THAT’S THE PROBLEM.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“THERE IS NO PATIENT.”

THE COMMUNICATIONS CENTER WENT SILENT.

“REPEAT.”

“THERE IS NO WIFE.”

THE DISPATCHER STARED AT THE CAD.

“WHAT?”

“THE CALLER IS PERFORMING CPR ON THE PARKING LOT.”

SOMEWHERE IN THE ROOM, A DISPATCHER REMOVED THEIR HEADSET AND WHISPERED:

“NO WAY.”

OFFICER MARTINEZ APPROACHED.

“SIR.”

THE CALLER KEPT COUNTING.

“SIR.”

STILL COUNTING.

“SIR!”

THE CALLER LOOKED UP.

“WHAT?!”

“WHERE’S YOUR WIFE?”

THE CALLER POINTED BESIDE HIM.

“RIGHT THERE!”

THE OFFICER LOOKED.

NOTHING.

THE CALLER POINTED AGAIN.

“SHE’S NOT BREATHING!”

THE OFFICER LOOKED AGAIN.

STILL NOTHING.

ADDITIONAL UNITS ARRIVED.

EMS ARRIVED.

THE CALLER CONTINUED DESCRIBING HIS WIFE.

WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.

WHAT SHE WAS WEARING.

HOW SCARED HE WAS.

EVERY DETAIL SOUNDED GENUINE.

EVERY DETAIL SOUNDED HEARTBREAKING.

THE ONLY PROBLEM?

SHE DIDN’T EXIST.

RESPONDERS EVENTUALLY DETERMINED THE CALLER WAS EXPERIENCING SEVERE DRUG-INDUCED HALLUCINATIONS.

TO HIM, THE EMERGENCY WAS COMPLETELY REAL.

THE FEAR WAS REAL.

THE PANIC WAS REAL.

THE GRIEF WAS REAL.

THE WIFE WAS NOT.

AS THE SCENE WRAPPED UP, ONE PARAMEDIC REPORTEDLY LOOKED AT THE SECTION OF PAVEMENT THAT HAD RECEIVED SEVERAL HUNDRED HIGH-QUALITY CHEST COMPRESSIONS.

“SO…”

HE ASKED.

“HOW’S THE PATIENT?”

AN OFFICER LOOKED DOWN AT THE ASPHALT.

“STILL NOT BREATHING.”

THE PARAMEDIC NODDED THOUGHTFULLY.

“PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE’S IMAGINARY.”

TO THIS DAY, SOMEWHERE IN NEW MEXICO, THERE IS A PATCH OF PARKING LOT THAT RECEIVED BETTER MEDICAL CARE THAN MOST PEOPLE RECEIVE IN THEIR ANNUAL PHYSICAL.

AND SOMEWHERE IN A DISPATCH RECORDING EXISTS PROOF THAT A CALLER FOLLOWED CPR INSTRUCTIONS WITH ABSOLUTE DEDICATION WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SAVE A HALLUCINATION.

FINAL DISPOSITION

WIFE: NOT LOCATED

PATIENT: NOT LOCATED

CALLER: VERY REAL

HALLUCINATIONS: EXTREMELY COMMITTED

DISPATCHER: REQUIRED SEVERAL MINUTES TO REBOOT REALITY

OFFICER: FOREVER SKEPTICAL

PLANET EARTH: RECEIVED OUTSTANDING CPR AND REMAINS IN STABLE CONDITION

MORAL OF THE STORY:

THE EARTH HAS SURVIVED APPROXIMATELY 4.5 BILLION YEARS WITHOUT CHEST COMPRESSIONS.